The haves and have nots

This past year has seen me moving from the haves to the have nots. I started out in the “have breasts” group. I then got moved to “have breast cancer” group soon followed by the “have not breasts” group. Last week, I officially joined the “have not breast cancer” group. While I would rather have been in only the first and last groups, this particular order of events is the next best thing. And really, being counted amongst the “have nots” isn’t so bad. It’s good to know that breast cancer is now in my past and the active part of treatment is over. (I’ll have to take anti-estrogen pills for the next five years, but I haven’t started taking them, so more on that in a later post.)

As for the other “have not” group, well, not having breasts is no biggie and in some regards, life has been made easier by their departure. I’ll neither bore nor horrify you with the deets. I’ll just let you imagine how much easier it could be without “extra baggage”! 😀 Having said all of that, you may find it surprising that this week, a few new things came to live in my dresser: fake boobs and their holders. Some have asked “Why bother?” The completely vain answer: because I have some shirts and dresses that I REALLY like that I want to be able to wear. Yes, I could wear them senza boobs, but they just don’t look right, kinda like a child wearing their dad’s oversized sweatshirts: comfy, but not flattering.

So, yes, prosthetic boobs. I’m here to tell you that they are weird. There’s no other way to say it. W.E.I.R.D. I’m gonna guess that they are better now than they were 20-30 years ago, but they are still strange. They aren’t exactly jiggly like Jell-O, but they are squishy. They come in several different shapes, some that look NOTHING like actual breasts! They also come in different colors, you know, to match all of the different skin tones. You’d think there wouldn’t be much of a market for them, but you’d be wrong. There are probably five different companies that sell them and they all look just a bit different.

Going to get fitted was a really bizarre experience. For starters, most of the prosthetics slide into a pocket in the bra, so you are putting on a bra that is MUCH heavier than usual. Weird. Then you had the fitters helping to fasten the bra, as if I’d never done this before. Weird. Then came the real test, seeing what they looked like under clothing, and then hearing the fitters say, “Oh, those are great! Very natural!” Weird. I ultimately decided on a company that makes fake boobs with adhesive on the back so that they attach to the chest wall rather than sliding into a pocket. This gives the wearer some feedback so it feels more realistic. Due to the adhesive, they have to be cleaned with special cleaner and a brush after each wearing. Weird. It’s all weird, laughably weird!

Any curious what they look like? I know I would be. I’ll post a pic at the bottom of the post so those of you who are totally weirded out by the prospect of seeing prosthetic boobs can just skip that. 😉

So six months after leaving that group I guess I’m back in the world of the “have breasts” . . . sort of . . . not really . . . . let’s just pretend . . . . or not 😀

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Fake boobs, coming right up!

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Riiiiiiigggght

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Here. Weird, aren’t they!