Stuck

I started composing this post in as a story format, but I got stuck.  Then I considered writing in memo format, but I got stuck.  Then I thought about tying the post in to rain and umbrellas and deja vu, but got stuck once again.  Since the third time doesn’t appear to be the charm, I’m throwing my hands up in defeat and going for short and to-the-point.

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I knew when the nurse wouldn’t tell me the result over the phone.

I swore in my head when the nurse asked if I had a follow up appointment.

I tried to remain calm when the nurse asked if  I could come in an hour.

I just couldn’t see how any of these events would lead to a good result.

I knew I would be right.

I wish I had been wrong.

The aggressive, grade 3 cancer beast is back.

 

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It’s the same lobular and ductal beast that attacked me last time.  Sometime next week I’m having a PET scan to see if the beast is anywhere else in my body.  It’s pretty likely that it is not in my bones since that scan came up clear a few weeks ago.  No idea, though, whether the liver, brain, or lungs will be clear.  The scan results will be available the same day, and the oncologist, hubby, and I will get our heads together to come up with a plan.  There are two paths.

1.  PET scan is clear = local recurrance = new hormonal meds to kills off my ovaries, and thus the estrogen that the beast so loves; possible radiation; surgery to remove the 1.5 cm nodule
2.  PET scan is not clear = metastatic disease = a whole lot of unknowns as management of a chronic disease is an ever-changing process

While we have some info now, it’s only partial, so not much will happen between now and the PET scan.  I do know the following:

• Today was my last day taking Tamoxifen, since it’s apparently not doing it’s job very well.
• I won’t be doing chemo again since it provides minimal benefit against ER+ (estrogen receptor positive) breast cancer recurrence
• I’m tired.
• Hubby is sad.
• I’m praying that this remains a local recurrance.