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Coming clean August 4, 2018

Posted by Judy in Musings.
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I’ve decided I need to come clean.  I’ve been lying to most of you all summer.  If you’ve asked me how I was doing or how I was feeling, and I said, “Good, things are going really well,” I was lying to you.  Well, not flat out, bold-faced lying.  More like only-telling-half-the-truth lying.  You see, my body has been doing much better this summer than it was back in April-May.  My mind, on the other hand, has been a complete train wreck.  I’ve spent most of the summer either angry or profoundly sad.  I discovered several things this week.

  1.  My schedule changed drastically this summer.  I went from being busier than I thought imaginable with school, work, etc., to having nothing on the calendar.  I suddenly had lots of time to think and contemplate what my life has become.
  2. My depression decided to rear it’s ugly head again this summer, which only made the life contemplations worse.
  3. I’m a different person than I was last summer, when MBC was new.  I’m thoroughly exhausted from constantly fighting the MBC fire.  This exhaustion makes me lack patience to deal with any other challenges.

I’ve decided that enough is enough.  I’m done with being an emotional wreck.  So step one is to get the depression under control.  The next step is to stop trying to manage other people’s emotions about my disease.  This means not glossing things over when people ask how I’m doing.  Seems like there should be a third step, right?  I don’t have one.  This is a good start,though.  Get ready for the good, bad, and ugly.

Comments»

1. Janet Conaway - August 4, 2018

Atta girl! 😘

2. Kristi Hayes-Devlin - August 4, 2018

Your courage is beautiful. Being “not okay” in front of others is deeply vulnerable work. If I can help, please tell me.

3. Kandice Dickinson - August 4, 2018

My bedbound shoulders are broad. My deficiently-functioning-heart is heavy-but-undaunted. My “wisdom” gained from fighting my own disease Beast renders me unafraid of ANY emotion you need or want to express.

YOU, my dear Perla – – – you Brave-Heart marvel of a human being – – – are not allowed to fear my, or anyone else’s, response to anything you want or need to express.

We face this too-long / too-short, too-wonderful / too horrible, too unjust / too full-of-grace thing called Life completely alone / completely TOGETHER.

It – nothing – will really HELP – I know. But I’m stuck with these inadequate words to say:

I am so goddamn angry that MBC is this not-too-be-put-off sadistic beast that dared invade your lovely anatomy and glowing Soul. To have your Being, which is such an ESSENTIAL presence on this earth, threatened is outrageous. Unthinkable. Unacceptable.

It will never be enough – but I know you forgive – when I add – even more inadequately:

I am WITH you in my heart. I am so proud of Who You Are. I am so honored and grateful to witness your journey. And I love you, my darling girl, I love YOU.

xoxoxox Kandice

4. Deb - August 4, 2018

It’s alright to be “not okay.” Know that you are loved, not judged. Continuing to pray for you, dear Perla.

5. Pedrito Maynard-Reid - August 5, 2018

Always here for you my dearest dawta! Lots of love!


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